​Golf Quotes

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
~Paul Harvey

​Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop

I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted.
~Author Unknown

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
~Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
~Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
~Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons.
~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~Author Unknown

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
~Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~Hank Aaron

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.
~Ernest Hemingway

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
~Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
~Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
~Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
~Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
​~Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. ~Joe E. Lewis

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
~Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: Live on greens as much as possible.
​~Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty.
~Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work.
~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
~Author Unknown

​Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters. 
~Author Unknown
​
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. .
~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~Author Unknown

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~George Brett 

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie..
~Mickey Mantle 

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
~Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~Chi Chi Rodriguez 

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny 

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~Ben Hogan 

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~Jack Nicklaus 

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~H G Wells 

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..
~Bob Hope 

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball..
~Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work...
~Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~Lee Trevino

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​Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 

​Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.
You swing left and the ball goes right. 
The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 

​Golf is harder than baseball. 
In Golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane , here's a valuable tip... your life is in trouble. 

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot ... 

​The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.' 

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well. 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play , it is always possible to get worse... 

Golf's a hard game to figure . 
One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. 
The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt,' you might wish to reconsider this game.

​Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

​Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

​David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...... 
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good. 
#09..... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. 
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot. 
#07... Foursomes are encouraged. 
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior. 
#05.... Three times a day is possible. 
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. 
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day. 
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. 

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex..... 

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

To my fellow Golfing Enthusiasts,

​You may not know it, but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.

​Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners. 

​​Table of Contents

Chapter 1
- How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2
- How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3
- How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4
- How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5
- When to give the Marshall the finger.

Chapter 6
- Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7
- When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8
- Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9
- How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .... Undetected.

Chapter 10
- How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11
- How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12
- Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13
- How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14
- How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee..

Chapter 15
- When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16
- God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17
- When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18
- Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19
- Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender!